Panic at the Cafeteria
by thewholeworldsucksmydick
Summary: Having improved on my command of the English language, I have decided to go ambitious this time and bring y'all a full length series. Subscribe for more
1. Chapter 1

Mao Ze Dong walked down the corridor. It is lunch break and she is rushing for the cafeteria, where the Stalin squad was waiting for her. She walked with a hurried and urgent pace. She did not want to be too late lest she incurs the wrath of Jojo Stalin. Jojo Stalin is a notorious school delinquent and she is known to have designed a gulag where she would send all the sluts and bitches in her class to. The gulag is much like the chokey in Matilda, except for the fact that the contraption is ten times worse. Hiratsuka Sensei barely survived when Jojo Stalin threw her into the gulag for criticizing her Siberian tiger boots.

Mao Ze Dong started running, upon realizing the trouble she would land herself in if Jojo Stalin gets mad. Just then, a moaning sound came out from a seemingly empty classroom. The sound got more intense which caused Mao Ze Dong to stop in his track. Curiosity overtook her sense of urgency and she walked towards the source and slowly peeked into the classroom.

Che Guevara and Fidel Castro were in the middle of some intense yuri actions, 69ing each other like starving kids in a UN commercial.

Just another regular day in Chiba prefecture's very own Sobu High School.

"Fuck that shit I gotta keep running."

So Mao Ze Dong ran and ran, the corridor stretching like infinity. It was rather late already; a few of the faster kids have started pouring out from the cafeteria.

"Yahallo!" Yuigahama Yui, the friendly girl in her class, greeted Mao Ze Dong with a smile on her face.

"Ya- Yahallo…" Mao Ze Dong replied meekly. She is rather shy and has a crush on Yui. Yui seems like the perfect Communist who would readily sacrifice herself just to save the proletariats a few hours in the bread line.

She always dreamt of seizing her means of reproduction and dominating every last inch of it.

"Cyka Blyat! WHAT THE FUCK TOOK YOU SO LONG, MAO?" Jojo Stalin shouted across the cafeteria.

"Nigga shut the fuck up! These capitalists be looking at us funny and shit!" Leon Trotsky chided Jojo Stalin for that outburst.

"Kyaaaaaaa, please don't send me to the gulag!" Mao Ze Dong broke down, tears flowing freely from her moe asf eyes. This warmed the heart of Jojo Stalin.

However, it must be said that Jojo Stalin never intended to send Mao Ze Dong to the gulag. She would never dream of doing that to the one she loves the most.

Instead of the gulag treatment, Jojo Stalin decided to use a completely new approach.

"Vlad and Pyotr, to the changing room!" Jojo Stalin ordered her disciples and they followed her out of the cafeteria.

Minutes later Jojo Stalin came back dressed like a succubus!

She had on a black dress with majority of it made of translucent material so that you can see through it and spy on her sexy lingerie. She also had on a tight asf pantyhose coupled with a pair of steel-plated high heels (for maximum pain cum pleasure). A fur coated handcuff restrained one of the wrist while her other hand is adorned with brass knuckles, while at the same time holding a whip.

"Kneel down before your new master!" Jojo Stalin commanded Mao Ze Dong. Mao Ze Dong eagerly complied. It's her fetish after all.

"Now beg like a dog and say 'O dearest master, give me food!'"

Kyaaaaaa?

Mao Ze Dong could not believe her luck. All this time she had fantasized over getting dominated by another girl in a masochistic fashion. Although she would rather do it with Yui, she was still delirious with excitement.

However, BDSM with Yui alone will not satisty her. She wanted to take it to the next level— by turning Yui into a giantess and getting squished in between her boobies.

However, let's not further ruin Mao Ze Dong's reputation.

Mao Ze Dong kneeled down in front of her new master.

"Gohan, gohan, shishuuu!"

Her childish and innocent words turned Jojo Stalin on, so much that she could not control her bladder and a golden shower ensued.

The floor was dripping with her fluid, and students began leaving en masse, nauseated to say the least.

"Now be a good slave and lick it up."

"I said LICK IT UP!"

Jojo Stalin cracked her whip.

"Kyaaaaaa! Do I really have to?" Mao Ze Dong stared at the puddle forming around Jojo Stalin.

"Yes, and after this you are going to drink directly from the source—"

"Stop right theeeeeeeeeeeeeeere!"

Principal Ronald Reagan and superintendent Franklin Roosevelt suddenly appeared out of nowhere. Jojo Stalin froze right on the spot. These figures of authority are not to be messed with. Jojo Stalin once tried sending Ronald Reagan to the gulag for giving her detention, but her plan backfired and she ended up inside Guantanamo cubicle in the principal office for two weeks.

"Jojo Stalin! Do you have any sense of decency?" Ronald Reagan shouted.

"And you! Stop whatever you are doing and get out of this place!"

Zaimokuza, who was masturbating at one corner, hurriedly left the cafeteria.

"Jojo Stalin, you have been extremely disruptive to the peace of Sobu High School. Your attitude and behavior deserves a good old smack in the butthole."

"Pffffffft" superintendent Roosevelt could not help but chuckle at the last remark. Principal Reagan is known for these kinds of eccentricities whenever he talks to students.

"You have been skipping classes, beating up students and sending them to whatever shit you call 'gulag', and now you're pulling this in front of the whole school?"

"But faggot! These students deserve it for not believing in Communism!"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP WE DIDN'T ASK YOU TO TALK! And who you calling a faggot, faggot?" superintendent Roosevelt raised his cane and hit Jojo Stalin in the head, knocking her unconscious.

"And you, Mao Ze Dong, you are a model student. For a communist you are pretty decent. You should distance yourself from these kinds of people. God knows what she is going to do to you! Better cut all ties with Jojo Stalin before I put my big old republican banana in your weak little leftist pee pee hole."

"Pfffffffffffffffffft nigga dafaq man."

Jojo Stalin wakes up, rubbing her sore head. She looked around. It was a total darkness, the atmosphere reeking of death, doom and disastrous destructions.

"Fuck! Am I back in Gitmo?"

"Hu hu hu! I am afraid your actions have gone beyond irredeemable, and Gitmo itself is no longer sufficient to punish you. Be prepared for the new form of punishment, your slutty delinquent!"

The lights were suddenly turned on, revealing the discipline master, Winston Churchill!

"Wahhhhhhh!" Jojo Stalin shuddered in fear at the sight of that intimidating figure.

Winston Churchill is every student's worse nightmare. He has the look of a bulldog, and a strength that equally parallels to one. His arms are thick as tree trunks, his skin strong as armor, and his physique towering as the Empire States Building.

His style of discipline often involves delivering mad blows on the sides of an offender's butt cheeks. His mighty arm, once raised, spells nothing but impending doom. Once that palm comes into contact with skin, everything is over.

Many students fainted as a result of it.

Sometimes, female students find themselves with a gaping butthole at the end of their punishment. The symptom is more prevalent among those who have fainted halfway through.

Jojo Stalin shuddered in fear as the beast spread her across his lap and stripped her off, revealing her bare buttcheeks. This gave Winston Churchill and immediate hard on, which poked uncomfortably at Jojo Stalin's stomach.

"Alright, are you ready?"

Winston Churchill raised up his hefty left arm. Then, in the interval of a millisecond, it came down and landed directly on Jojo Stalin's buttcheeks.

Smakkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

The impact created a sonic boom.

Jojo Stalin gritted her teeth in agony. The seething pain has sent shockwaves to her brain, triggering a shutdown. She had to exhaust all her mental strength just to stay conscious.

Before she even had time to recover, Winston Churchill came with another blow. And another. And another. And another…

"997… 998… 999… 1000!"

By then, Jojo Stalin was bleeding from all parts of her butt. She was in extreme pain. The nerves in her butt cheeks were completely destroyed.

Just then, principal Reagan walked into the room. He glared at Jojo Stalin and said, "I hope you learnt a lesson, you punk ass pussy."

Jojo Stalin did not respond. She was in too much pain to do so.

By the time the punishment was over, it was already evening.

"We had a meeting while you were getting your ass whooped. After a vote from our staff we have decided to expel you from the school for two weeks."

"Now get the fuck out of my office!" principal Reagan kicked Jojo Stalin out the door literally.

As Jojo Stalin crawled along the corridor, she cursed at the despicable actions inflicted upon her and swore vengeance.

"These capitalist pigs are going to die!"

Just then, kouhai Augusto Pinochet ran towards her and kicked her right in the skull.

"This is for every time you sided with Allende and her hoes whenever they beat me up in the cafeteria, filthy communist loser!"

And finally, Jojo Stalin lost consciousness.


	2. Chapter 2

"Ahem… class, shut the fuck up! We have a new student today, ahem… Hirohito, stop throwing that paper airplane around, and you! Hachiman! Heads off the table!"

"Alright, may the person on duty dust the blackboard?"

Benito "The iron seitokaichou" Mussolini came forward and wiped off the chalk markings. Then, he did a salute to the now spic-and-span blackboard and marched back to his seat.

"Class, say hi to your new classmate, Adolf Hitler!"

The door suddenly opened and a beautiful blonde girl was escorted to the front of the class by two burly guards.

"Ano… Goebbels und Goring, you can wait outside…"

Benito Mussolini stared at the figure in front of his eyes. What a sight to behold!

Is it love? He knows not yet. But it is undeniable that such feelings evoked in him was never once experienced before in his life. It is a special feeling that word alone is inept in expressing its sensation.

It is indeed love.

"Oh my god Adolf Hitler is kawaiiiiiii! Shit I said it out loud!"

"Wow did y'all hear what Benito Mussolini just said?" Totsuka asked.

"Me a quiet boy! Me dinsay nuffin!" Benito Mussolini tried to deny. It was unconvincing to say the least.

"Wow you are such a liar!" Yuigahama Yui giggled.

"Benito Usolini…"

Hachiman slumped into his seat as his joke flopped and turned into a mockery against him.

"Ano!" Adolf Hitler tried to catch the attention of the class. She has still yet to do her introduction.

Hitler gave a brilliant smile as the attention is directed towards her.

God, she is so cute!

Benito could feel the healing of his worn-out heart.

"Ano, my name is Adolf Hitler! I am an international student from the Empire of Reichistan. This year, I will be staying in Sobu High School for cultural exchange. Ano… I always loved Japanese culture, and I think that it is rich and overladen with beautiful customs! I like the food here, especially sushi and omurice, and I love cosplaying in yukatas and mecha suits!"

Benito Mussolini pictured Adolf Hitler in a yukata and immediately had a nosebleed.

"Adolf Hitler, what course are you going to take in college?" Hayama flirted.

"Ano… I always wanted to paint and be an artist… So I guess I will take a liberal arts degree! Art is my dream and aspiration after all…"

"Adolf Hitler, what are your views on communism?"

Fuck.

The whole class turned towards Mao Ze Dong, the one who posed the question. It is her style of determining whether a newcomer is a friend or a foe. While it obviously come off as curt and impolite, Mao Ze Dong sees no flaws in it.

Normally, students encountering such questions will try their best to give a non-answer. However, Adolf Hitler has a surprisingly strong stance on communism, or more specifically, against it.

"Communism is an evil that ought to be purged. It is an inherently barbaric form of collective structure that opposes every aspect of human nature. It is ultimately the disintegration of the fine line that separates men from beasts, and civilizations from tribes. It is a malignant force that encourages idleness, stagnation and other ills of mankind, which would all eventually usher forth the demise of human society as we know of today. We simply cannot afford to accept communism as a viable system in the running of our society. For the consequences of implementing such a flawed ideology spell nothing but the inevitable doom of mankind. With capitalism, individuals may have unequal degree of wealth. With socialism, however, the people will end up equally poor. Notice how I used individuals in only the part on capitalism. Reason being the concept of individuals will be completely abolished under Communism. Under such a system, the state is a single unit—it is the only individual that matters. The populace that is formed under the state is rendered insignificant; they are nothing but cogs in the state machine. Who would want to live in this world? The loss of an individual, in essence, is tantamount to the loss of a sense of purpose in life. Either way around, one of them would have a direct causative effect on the other. It is therefore of paramount importance that we preserve our individuality. For it is the individuals in us that makes us who we us, and it is the individuals in us that makes life a worthy pursuit.

Notionally, communism is a benevolent paternal figure that is designed to assist any of our brethren who have fallen behind the path of progress. It is designed with the livelihood of the people in mind. It is designed to be a solution to poverty, inequity, conflicts and other problems that have plagued mankind for thousands of years. However, let it be said that the idea of communism is anything but compatible with human nature. The boundlessness of our innate greed and hubris has rendered communism not a tool of empowerment, but a weapon of exploitation, to whichever state that wields it. Over the course of modern history, we have witnessed first-hand the outcomes of communism, and it can be safely said that it has not achieved a single thing for the people. Under communism, promises were broken with little to no regard, and people often find themselves living worse off than before. Human rights are ultimately deemed obsolete, for there exist no man to bestow these rights upon, only units of production serving for the greater prosperity of Big Brother.

Let not the lies of communism deceive our thoughts. Let not the poison in such lies flow into the veins of our society. If that happens, flush the toxins out, let it not incapacitate our ability to formulate rational thoughts. Cease the tolerance on communist sympathizers, the likes of which never experienced a single day of honest labor in their lives. Take any measures necessary to curb the spread of communism. For communism is an everlasting plague to the progress of man. It is an irredeemable abomination that should be annihilated to its entirety. No traces of communism should ever be left on the face of Earth, once we win the war against it. So long as a single communist inhale the same air as us, we shall exert every atom of our strength, and fight to our every last breath."

"Wahhhhhhhh! Atofu Hitleru no baka!" Mao Ze Dong chinked out and threw a tantrum. Then she stomped out of the class with tears in her eyes.

At the cafeteria, everybody was talking about the new exchange student.

"That Adolf Hitler is really sugoi! I would never thought of giving such a great speech without preparing for it first."

"Wow dis shawty schooled Mao Ze Dong back to elementary! Smh homeboy you should have witnessed that massacre."

"But she is so cute at the same time!"

Meanwhile, Mao Ze Dong sulked in one corner, her ego crushed and her reputation marred. After that blow, it would no doubt take quite some time for her to regain the respect of her classmates.

She recounted whatever that had unfolded in class to the Stalin squad and the Socialist Crew of Greater Cuba. (SCGC)

They were furious. Of course.

Vladimir Lenin, Stalin's substitute for that week (Stalin herself was expelled from school), banged the table with her fist so hard that glasses and plates started to topple.

"Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh? Who the fuck did that little bitch think she is? Spewing such lies, slander and propaganda against communism! I swear if I get a hand on that filthy cunt of a capitalist I will fucking kill her!"

"Comunismo si, Adolf Hitler no!" Fidel Castro chanted. Her lesbian girlfriend, Che Guevara, chanted along with her. Their cacophony soon pissed off a kouhai sitting next to them. The kouhai excused herself from her clique, saying how the filthy ass food provided by the socialist construct of (((state-funded))) schools has given her quite a bad case of stomach flu.

However, as she walked towards the exit, someone grabbed her wrist from behind. She yelped in surprise and turned back, only to see her sworn nemesis, Salvador Allende.

"Ha ha ha ha ha where the fuck you think you going?"

Two accomplices were following behind Allende. They have armed themselves with titanium knuckles, revolver, a dozen Molotov cocktails and last but not least, AK-47s. Their intention seems not to hurt, but rather, to completely snuff the living out of their enemies.

The legitimacy of their weapons is debatable, since they were never used in fights and brawls before. Some say that it is nothing but an elaborate fear tactic.

Still, the Chilean Communist Clan (CCC) poses as an intimidation to other students, especially students like Pinochet.

Pinochet is deathly afraid of the CCC. They are infamous for their unpredictability in their course of action. One minute they might say hi, and moments later they will kick your tray, spill ketchup on your shirt or simply beat the fuck out of you. Pinochet has experienced all of these except the first one when dealing with Allende and her gang. She hated them to death, but had yet to find ways to avoid them. Her only choice is to grit her teeth, bear with the insults and move on.

However, this time, she had had enough. She is going to run to a teacher.

"Not so fast retard!" Allende kicked her in the ankles as she tried to make a dash for a teacher walking past the cafeteria. She immediately fell on the ground, leaving an audible impact so loud that it made everyone present cringed.

"Tee hee, how cute. But don't fucking do it on my watch!" Allende suddenly pounced on Pinochet slapped her violently, knocking the wind out of her.

"You fucking slut, you dare disobey Allende? Eat lead, fool!" Allende put on a brass knuckle and aimed at Pinochet's face.

Just when she was about to put a lethal blow on Pinochet, she felt someone grabbing her wrist, and then squeezing it hard.

"Yeoooooowwwwwwww what the fuck!?"

She tried to punch whoever that is behind her, only to have her other wrist caught as well.

"Who the fuck are you, and what do you want?"

"Fuck off, Mussolini! Get the fuck off of her before we make you pay!"

Mussolini? Benito "the iron seitokaichou" fucking Mussolini? Fuck!

At that moment, Allende realized how much trouble she was in. Benito Mussolini is an individual to be reckoned with.

He is a filthy misogynist with zero disregard for women suffrage.

Some says he bought a mail-order bride from Ethiopia just so that he could beat her up every night to fill his masculinity quota.

However, all these rumors are not true. Benito Mussolini loved women. He just hates women who bitch about inequality despite having not labored a single day in their lives.

The two accomplices tried to pry Benito Mussolini's arms away from Allende, but they might as well make the Earth flat, for Benito Mussolini's arms bulged not a single inch.

They were violently shoved aside.

Now all Benito Mussolini had to do is deal with Allende.

He was hot with rage. A communist has just beaten up a fellow believer!

"Allende… You… fuck it. You goddamn… little… fuck! What the fuck did Pinochet do to you? Huh? Answer me!" Benito Mussolini screamed into her face.

"Not again…" Students who were getting sick of the recent outbreak of cafeteria brawls started leaving the area, leaving Mussolini with much more space to exercise his dominance.

"Now tell me, look at her! Look at her face," Mussolini pointed at Pinochet, who was bellied up on the floor, her palm rubbing her swollen cheek as she grimaced in agony. "Look at her, and tell my if what you did just now is fucking fair! You… goddamnit you fucking… bitch ass motherfucker… Swear I'm about to lose my cool and knock you out!"

"Go ahead! You won't dare to do this to a girl, do you?" Allende challenged.

Bam! With a single punch, Mussolini knocked out Allende's front tooth and sent her rolling towards the trash can. When she finally collided with it, her two accomplices went after her, but not before sticking their tongue out at Mussolini.

"Baka, baka!" They exclaimed in unison.

"Sigh… girls can be so wholesome, yet so misguided at times."

Now the only people left at the cafeteria is Mussolini and Pinochet. Mussolini looked at the girl, still lying on the ground, her face still contorted with pain.

Fuck, do I need to help her up? Shit! This is pretty bad! Mussolini thought. He is a shy guy who will most likely drop his spaghetti once he touches Pinochet's hands.

However, he needed practice on restraining himself. With that in mind, he bended down and extended his left hand towards Pinochet. Pinochet looked up, saw him, and grabbed his hand. Her tiny hand fits perfectly with his, just like enzymes with food molecules.

He hoisted her up.

"Milady, it is safe to say that such scums like Allende and her hoes are nothing but a plight to the smooth running of our school. When I witnessed first-hand how they brutally assaulted such a fair maiden like yourself, I realized the necessity and urgency of putting them in their rightful place. I have finally done it, alas, it was done at the cost of not inspecting your injuries immediately after your sustaining of them. For that delay, I apologize. Here, I have brought with me some Kleenex. Use them to wipe away your tears; let it not linger longer, lest it leaves your fair skin marred."

"Kyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" Pinochet blushed at his words. She has had many encounters of boys using flattery and sophisticated language on her. However, this is the first time she ever felt something from it.

"Thank… thank you!"

Pinochet bowed shyly to Mussolini, then made her way out of the cafeteria.

"Wait!"

She turned around. Mussolini was holding her phone, which seemed to have dropped from her pocket during the brawl. She gave Mussolini a thankful look and went to take it from his hand.

Their fingers momentarily touched for a moment.

This brought out the primal instinct of Mussolini.

He suddenly grabbed Pinochet by her shoulders.

"Kyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?!"

Mussolini, after realizing that he fucked up, tried to explain himself.

"Look, Pinochet, I've seen Allende and her gals messing with you all the time. They just don't know how to stop. Every day I see you suffering like that, damn, that really breaks my heart! Listen, next time these motherfuckers find you trouble, I'll be here to defend your right as an individual, okay?"

Pinochet started to tear up. She sobbed into her palms, letting out all her pent-up anguish from her past with Allende.

Mussolini's paternal instinct kicked in and he dragged Pinochet into his body, stroking her hair in an attempt to comfort her.

"It's okay, your suffering ends here. From today onwards I'll protect you always."

Pinochet gave a gentle sniffle and buried herself in Mussolini's chest.

"Thank you, senpai! I don't know how I am going to do without you!"

"You are my savior, my hero, my knight in shining armor…"

"…kyaaaaaa! What am I saying!" Pinochet buried her face in her hands to hide her face.

"All I want to say is… thank you for everything."

Mussolini suddenly hugged her tightly. Tears are beginning to materialize in his eyes.

His iron hide, which has been kept intact on him for so many years, is finally about to come off.

"Pardon my emotions, Pinochet. But I was never used to such kind words." Mussolini choked as he tried to wipe away his tears.

"You see, I was born in a military family. I have never experienced love and affection, not even from my parents. As a result of my family background, I was shaped into a cold, distant and taciturn individual."

"But you brought back the human in me. Your striking beauty, your pure innocence, and every other perfection of yours have thawed the long-frozen heart of mine. For once in my life, I find myself fallible to my own sentiments."

"All these years I thought I was strong, indefatigable, invincible even. Never have I thought that my downfall would be caused by you. You are my most formidable enemy. It is you who have, within a few short minutes, completely disintegrated the very substance of my being that has made Mussolini, Mussolini."

"My powers have been greatly nullified. No longer king I am, and no longer deserving to reign as one I do. Hence, I, Mussolini, begs for your acceptance into part of your serfdom. I shall submit myself fully and be your humble servant under your absolute behest."

"Please make me your knight in shining armor."

"Please do not put yourself in such low a position. I am but a peasant, no match for the mighty warrior that is yours truly."

"You have bespoken too lowly of yourself. Not a peasant you are, but a fresh breeze in the acrid Midsummer night, a spring in the parched terrains of Egypt, a goodly power that can calm the most turbulent of tempests."

"Be less humble, recognize your true worth, for it extends far beyond the greatest riches a prince's court could amass."

"Should I be a warrior, then let you be my commander. Direct me to the safest course of action. Guide me through the rugged terrain of life. And if I ever become defiant, hesitate not a moment to have me executed. Do not ever spare the rod."

"Let me be ever under your control. Let me fight enemies, win battles, celebrate victory. But at the end of the day, let me into the world of yours. Let my longsword cut through the throat of foes in the day, but let it pierce through the shield of divinity at night."

"Oh, you bawdy fellow!"

They then broke out into laughter at the same time.

Recess is over. The two newfound lovers had to bid farewell and return to their respective classes, but not before exchanging mobile numbers.

"See you tomorrow!" Mussolini tried using the most cheerful tone he is able to muster. It came off horribly, needless to say. Embarrassed, Mussolini exclaimed about how he is about to be late before turning away clumsily and dashing off towards his destination.

As Pinochet observed Mussolini fading into the distance, she could not help but smile.

"See you tomorrow, my knight in shining armor."


End file.
